As Jesus moved on, he saw a man named Matthew at his post where taxes were collected. He said to him, “Follow me.” Matthew got up and followed Him.
Is this not too simplistic vocation story? It presents to us the basic elements of a vocation story: God calls, and Man responses. But in between these two events is a process. In could be a split -second process in our hearts. In could be years of thinking over and over again whether to respond affirmatively to the invitation of Christ to live a holy life; to live in a particular way of being Christian. This is discernment.
In the process of discernment, we may doubt about ourselves whether we are worthy and able to faithfully live the life God is calling us into. We question God’s call. We question our vocation. These questions are often in opposition to our vocation: What if I do not have a vocation? What if I am called to a different life? Can I be faithful to this life? A priest counseled me, “Ask questions in favor of the Lord: What if God is giving me this vocation? What if God is calling me to this life?” Our vocation ought to be oriented towards God, not to an “I.”
As we discern to the life God is calling us into, we have in the gospel (Mt 9:9-13) the story of Matthew, a sinner, considered refuse of their society. In the other gospel accounts, the evangelists would not dare to name him by his common name Matthew. According to St. Jerome, they name him Levi out of respect to him. Matthew calls himself both by his common name (Matthew) and described himself as a publican. No one, even the most sinful person, needs to despair of salvation, as long as he turns to better things. We see this in Matthew who became an Apostle from a Publican.
As we turn to Christ and respond to his call, the light of Christ shines upon us and our true worth is revealed to us; our worth as God values us. The worth of ourselves and our vocation depend on the One calling us, more than to ourselves alone. We are called not because of our worthiness to receive, but because of the generosity of the Giver. God calls us because He wants to give something to us. God calls us to leave our earthy gains; to stand up from our tables and receive such a gift of vocation.
As Christ looked and called Matthew, Matthew returned the gaze of Christ. He promptly stood up and followed Him. His response was not out of haste and temerity. He saw in Christ’s merciful eyes his (Matthew’s) true worth, his vocation not of his own worthiness and doing but of God’s. As we try to follow Jesus, we sometimes experience frustrations, loneliness, and failure. We become sad and angry in the vocation we live. It is so, for we have seen our vocation as our very own work, our personal project. We look at ourselves. We forget that God is the author of our vocation. He is the origin and end, and all that is in between, of our life. When we begin to take credit for the things we do and relay solely to ourselves, we begin to be frustrated. We would always find something lacking, something wrong in what human hands do. We find no reason to celebrate about our own works, which always fall short of the standard of Christ. In Christ alone, at works in our lives, we can celebrate (whatever would the result be. His presence is enough reason to celebrate.).
More than an act of man, our vocation is a work of God. That is if we allow God to work in us. If only we would look back at Christ calling us, we shall be drawn to Him and receive Him. Though the discernment of our response might take long, the Good News is, Christ never stops calling us, looking at us, waiting for that moment that you will return His gaze. He is waiting for us to return his gaze. In Christ, we find the strength and courage to stand up and fulfill His will. Only then we can prepare a banquet for the joy of vocation, we have received from and live through the Lord.
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